1972 Donny Osmond: Puppy Love

I was going to start this off by describing Donny Osmond as 'Robbie Williams of the seventies', but I paused for thought;. that wouldn't be accurate, would it? (I'll explain why shortly). Nevertheless he's still a usefull point of reference because, whatever you make of the continuing success of a Robbie or a Peter Andre or a someone else of their ilk, it's a fact that their popularity amongst the women (and no, that's not being sexist - it is mainly women isn't it?) crosses generations. An audience from nine to ninety loves Robbie, and each will have their own idea of what they'd like to do with him. Ahem.

Yet despite that, you couldn't for one second imagine Robbie Williams ever covering a song like 'Puppy Love'. His public image is too mature and sophisticated to allow that and besides, large sections of his fanbase simply wouldn't stand for it; 'Puppy Love' is a song aimed at teens and pre-teens, pure and simple, not a multi-generation demographic. The string pullers behind Donny didn't have these worries, they knew exactly who his audience was (those teens and pre-teens) and that the only older women who lusted after the virginal boy child Donny were slightly disturbed ones who didn't really care what he sang.

'Puppy Love' was originally written and recorded by a nineteen year old Paul Anka, but he manages to sound too mature and sophisticated on his own song for such a teen orientated lyric. His voice has tasted too many cocktails in too many nightclubs to make the words sound plausible, and the "Oh I guess they'll never know how a young heart really feels" sounds more like a predatory grooming in his mouth than an adolescent crush.

To that end, Donny's squeaky, not quite broken voice should be an absolute boon with material like this. And to an extent it is, but his stuttery delivery and cracked anguish on "someone help me, help me, help me please" sounds forced and false. And that's because he's pretending, or at least guessing at how a broken heart must feel and Osmond never manages to convince he has experience of any kind of love whatsoever, puppy or otherwise. 'Puppy Love' is cutesy and sweet when the lyrics are written down, but Donny's innocence sounds genuine enough to make his version a slightly exploitative affair, both for himself and his audience.

And as for that audience - well, I think there's a line to be drawn in the sand here. If you can go into a sweet shop with a handful of coppers and ask for a 10p bag of penny chews without a second thought, then you can listen to and enjoy this with a clear conscience and my blessing. If however you'd find the above scenario more than slightly embarrassing and yet would still confess a liking for this, then I'd suggest it's time to sit down and take a searching inventory of yourself.