1975 Telly Savalas: If

Time for another trip down that lane called 'memory' - during 1974, I was hospitalised for a few unhappy days having my tonsils removed. One of my most vivid memories of the whole terrible experience is my first sight of colour television and watching Freddy Starr on it on 'Who Do You Do?' where he cracked a joke that went 'There were two flies on Kojak's head and one said "We're on Telly"'. It had the nurses in stitches but, being only six at the time, I didn't have much of a clue what he was on about and it wasn't until I saw Savalas singing this on Top Of The Pops a year later that I 'got' the joke (Telly/Television Ha Ha Ha).

Though perhaps 'singing' is stretching the definition a bit; like 'Everything I Own', 'If' is another David Gates/Bread original given a radical makeover; this time, instead of a reggaefied version, Savalas simply recites the lyrics as if they were prose of high drama (Windsor Davies would be taking notes). Gate's apocalyptic imagery ("If the world should stop revolving spinning slowly down to die, I'd spend the end with you") actually lends itself to this quite well to this interpretation, but instead of sounding heartfelt, Savalas' voice comes across as creepily sinister in the extreme, as if he himself is the engineer of the world's destruction and he's hovering waiting to cart any stray souls off to hell.*

Nothing could be further from Savalas intention though; he's totally sincere in his lovestruck delivery (check out the contemporary video where Tel lights up then mooches around giving the camera the sort of emotionally charged looks his voice can't convey) and this alone makes 'If' a very odd proposition for a chart topper to modern ears. But of course, it's there at the top largely because of the times; that's not Telly Savalas singing, it's Kojak, and this novelty element was the key factor, being as it was a further extension/exploitation of the popularity of the detective character along with the lollipops and catchphrases. Taken on it's own merits outside of its context, then to modern sensibilities 'If' is the cornball novelty sound of a popular actor overreaching himself (David Soul would also be taking notes).

Because here in the 2000's, the wheel has turned full circle; 'Kojak' is no longer the number one American import and if you told the flies joke to any X Factor wannabe then like as not you'll get a blank stare similar to the one I gave the nurses in 1974. But if Savalas pitched up and tried to audition in front of Simon and the gang with this then there'd be one of those shepherd's crook things emerging from the wings to pull the bugger off sharpish.

* Actually, the previous year Savalas had played the male half of the title in Mario Bava's 'Lisa e il diavolo' ('Lisa And The Devil') where his satanic presence and spooky laughs terrorised Elke Sommer for ninety minutes. On 'If', Savalas sounds like he's still in character. Maybe he should have sung this at the start and finished her off early doors.